there comes a moment of epiphany in a catharsis and this may or not be one of those, but it's planted here anyway because it may have some growth potential for someone, humanity, even, but definitely for posterity (cuz posterity is such a big old soul and infinitely creative, after all)… i shall leave it for those wonder boys in love with themselves and the idea of constantly re-writing history (what, a jab at academics?... how crass, but wait, maybe it was a disguised self-mutilation that went right over their heads… that'll leave them wondering) to come up with the worth or value of the documents… i'll just continue uploading…
we begin with a series of entries in the third week of november in the RealTime™ blog that ruminated (and regurgitated) the current state of life as i know it (or knew it then) looking around me more than usual to assess myself by noting my place in space and interactions all of which (and who knows what else) prompted z0tl to say (and we begin):
i hate people who walk around pointing to negative people, insisting they are positive for doing so.
being able to recognize negativity is not positivity.
now i'm not saying you're doing that right in here, but you are walking a tight rope and you are inviting DISASTER in your life when you get so arrogant that you believe you can never be depressed.
but of course you don't believe that, because you are DEPRESSED, ever since i've known you, really, about being LONELY and unable to find someone who you can truly SHARE your potential for happiness with.
and so it goes.
anyway, the xwifey used to say the ability of a person to be happy is genetic. now then, if i'm endowed with a set of genes that allow me to be miserable, may i be allowed to please enjoy that temporary makeup fully without having to listen from those happy stupid people going around telling everyone how they should be happy in every circumstance?
i happen to be happy at this time, but i'm fully aware i have the ability to be miserable at any time, with
all my heart, beware of z-dawg!-)
ps: i expect at least a 58 pages response to this with an 8 page executive summary in a comment.
pps: with the full understanding that this discussion is practice for juch j.hoppers as may be envisioned
reading this utter crap decades or even millenia from now, when archive.org has been pangalactically archived.
ppps: because you do understand i don't actually believe you're one of those people who may have written this
entry not knowing what true miserablesbility is.
pppps: oh, yeh, i'm on track #4 through your mp3s better be good when i get to #8.
i'm soooo speshiallll
and then z0tl said...
i'm climbing a tit line.
and then z0tl said...
what this crappy movie 'the peaceful warrior' based on the book [which was much better], in which it is said:
happiness is not true happiness unless shared.
what a bunch of bull. climb a rock or something.
at which time i was inspired to respond, though amidst distractions and already ongoing tasks, including writing a second entry for the day that was delayed many hours due to the distraction of writing the response to the comment above that will appear below and all together is becoming this entry, whatever it may be, become, bego, or begone, even… you see, the words above, scattered as they may be, in a triad delivery as only the great masters of humanity can do, provided food for fodder, fodder for thought, though for feeling, feeling for futility, futility to avoid, and cute visual images on television could not distract me at the time because the television was not on, only the music, the music that compels, me, the power of music compels me, the power of music compels me, the power of music compels me, the power of music compels me, the power of music compels me, the power of music compels me, the power of music compels me, the power of music compels me, the power of music compels me, the power of music compels me, the power of music compels me, the power of music compels me, and no holy water is needed…
yeah, so this is what i said (with multiple {and musical} elaborations):
i've missed your brilliant axe...
that last line may have been the most sincere statement in this blog, ever, or at least in this entry so far… the tongue goes back in the cheek for the next bit… yup, right, you are correct sir... i'll still find references to amuse me though, like Ed and Johnny and Carnak the Magnificent cuz that's more fun that wallowing in the pity party, for me at least...
this music mix, for instance, is one of the journeys through the roller coaster of bliss and depression (cuz being manic is more fun than being catatonic for me and this first music mix is for me... somebody's gotta indulge the child, after all :)
it may be way too sleepy for your tastes, but then, look at the title… it is about the words more than the music, this time, but some songs rept in just cuz the melodies were so soothing to the savage beast… my savage beast, you find your own solutions to yours, right…
the recent entries are kind of cleaning house, sorting out the experience of living here, we three, and how i experience it and how i feel about it... it's probably not the proper human thing to do, publishing it all here, but then, i've never said i was trying to be the proper human, just a human (and i'm losing interest in that endeavor lately, but that's probably the seeds of another blog)...
i think i might want to try some arrogance in for size cuz all this goody-goody stuff sure has not worked (except to make me a giggling doormat)... so while we all know that my feigned efforts at being human are just time-passing games, even if i did want to experience being a human, i seriously doubt i would ever want to be with a human ever again… humans are simply not awake enough for me… and that's sure not as arrogant as that thought could have been. so i am still dummying down and being the kinder gentler me out here in cyberland…
idjit…
on another thought stream, i am too happy by myself when i stop being here in this human world where physical love and the illusion of flesh bonding ethereal beings is so possible... that is why i keep coming back to the lonely days, lonely nights, where would i be without my woman (BeeGees) saga that keeps me pretty much in high school... it was fun there and is still fun of dreaming of sharing such emotional drama (hoping for the bliss part) again...
but there's still the irony that every complaint, every whine, every stupid feeling, every depressed hole, every arrogant assness, every negative thought, whether i want it to or not and whether i let it out or not, ends in the dream... just look at the impromptu "CD" i just put together before coming here to read your comments:
| Any Old Kind of Day Blackbird/Yesterday When You're A Free Man Everybody's Lonely A Day In The Life Lonely People Short Stories First Episode At Hienton Talking To My Angel Oh Daddy New Horizons Song For Myself Our House | . . . . . | Harry Chapin Beatles Moody Blues Harry Chapin Beatles America Harry Chapin Elton John Melissa Etheridge Fleetwood Mac Moody Blues Harry Chapin Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young |
and here we are, padded, embellished, and continuing… it will likely not meet your full expectations for width and girth and pages, even. as it's just not that important (not you, not me, and surely not the self-indulgent project we so passively call this web world… or was that just me… anyway, i have to be back at work tomorrow and have a very busy week engaged in my newly renewed search for the one or at least a good fuck-buddy and I've already forgotten the laundry once sitting here distracted by your wisdom and forgetting laundry is not good for the shirts cuz it makes them all wrinkled and besides, the next-to-season-finale of Heroes is on tonight and you just know how much i am into saving that dang cheerleader), but you do deserve your time in the dark here for tearing yourself away from your wild nights of sex and debauchery just long enough to lavish me with your comment love…oh, wait, this was the moment i realized that the comment box doesn't allow such HTML... so i said "my bad, i'll just turn it into an entry as i usually do when i comment a lot cuz i am so desperately begging for attention and wouldn't want to waste a word la la la...
see next entry :)"
so reasonable estimates are a waste of time, but let's see how this babble flows…
of course depression is the times these days and have been ever since i was once in love with amy, which may have been but an illusionary blip on the radar that distracted me from the deeper depression that was born into me (or i was born into) when i found myself in this human body in this human world… just imagine an enlightened being (what would be easily considered a god on this planet) the experiencing all these limitations and ignorances and stupid human thoughts for the first time… trauma is just the tip of the cosmos of this experience, but then, Douglas Adams helped a lot…
bliss is a relative thing, as is depression… i find humanity quite depressing, what with the apathy, the self-destruction, the condemnation, the fears, not to mention the sorry state of particle physics… i find myself easily absorbed by the collective consciousness (and sleeping conscience) and wallow away in my own irreverent (and quite public) misery laboring under the pretense i am waiting for the one and all I've ever needed was the one and so on, while doing my utmost to repel any true the one with my own personal sardonic negativity, self-destruction, condemnations, fears, apathy, and body odor (not to mention my particular physique)… ain't gonna find no lovin when the self-lovin ain't there… but there's always the good fuck buddy idea…
over the last ten years my faith in humanity, if i ever really had any, has been drained dry… i attracted users and whine about how used i am… i don't appreciate myself and shine about how under-appreciated i am… you know where this is going, so i won't repeat each cleverly worded phrasing of the same thing and just assume, cuz, after all, it's been a while since i made a good ass out of u and me…
so listen to Gavin Friday and you might start getting a feel of the real experience i know as being me in my head… sometimes… and other times, it's the bliss illusion… and just because i've created the nightmare more viscerally in this life does not make the horrible torturous traumas any less illusionary than the bliss, but that's too logical for this would-be discussion… wait, i'm uploading the entire Gavin Friday CD and will turn it into a playlist just for you so you can save it for your next great depression (and they think he jests)… after all, this will be the third entry in the already immortalized undeleted blog…
but then, we don't have to wait for the music to be uploaded… it'll get there when it does and the link will work when i figure out where to put it and type the right address and then we'll all be happily amazed at the lengths and depths (not to mention cyber queues) i'll go to just to make a point that will be rendered meaningless by the next entry, or paragraph, even (stop planning ahead)… and in spite of my pause to remember laundry (I'll have you know that i shall be going to work in slightly wrinkled my shirts for the next two or three weeks thanks to you… haughty and all, i am), Gavin continues to upload (hey, it's somewhere around 130Mb of music cuz i rip at a 320kbps rate {and hardly singe a hair} and i'll have you know that too) and i have sufficiently lost my place in line (or rather, in my mind) so i have no idea what i might have said before i got up to hang up slightly wrinkled shirts and move washer load to dryer and dryer load to basket and new load to washer, not necessarily in that order… wait, i think i forgot that last bit, be right back…
ok, you can listen to Gavin Friday (it'll auto-start playing the first song, but you can stop it and control volume and all that for as long as the page remains up on the net)… i also learned about putting a robot.txt file in my root directory while i was learning all the other stuff needed to put this link together for you and continuing the laundry and listening to music that is ironically, not the playlist on any blog but just a playlist i put together for today many hours ago in my itunes… but thanks for the impetus… zo where were we?...
ah, but i am sufficiently distracted now… if only i did not have laundry cooking when you inspired these streams of semi-consciousness… it could have been epic, aye?... especially in the current month of self-destructive self-depreciation (but i ate tuna out of the can tonight… could the next step be back to salads and dropping the weight again?... there are just a few weeks before the next holiday influence and i already bought chocolates (and hot chocolate mugs and other gifts) to hand out to all the revelers at work, so the challenge will be great to the will power and taste buds… if only the exercise bug would bite hard again… maybe that's the meetup group i needup most… of course it is… where else to find the active high-energy people… and the 5K runs around town… but why do they charge so much?... and why do i keep buying into the excuses?...
this is the boolshit that the master speaks of in trilogy and prophesy and history and for all posterity… this is why we are here… for posterity, at least… and to infinity and beyond, as well… i do boolshit well… so well, i deserve more o's… but now i am making a mockery of the seriousness of the situation, the matter at hand, the teachers (and teachings) of the master, and most of all, myself… this is what i do, you know, or even if you don't know, now you know, even if you don't know that you know, or what i do, this is it, what i do, and whatever you know, you don't know enough… but you could, if you wanted to, you could be a hero, even, if only just for a day…
all you need to do is care… and share… you care, say something meaningful, and life changes… let it in, and it changes for you too…
i'll be back some time to continue…
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